Dating While Practicing 'Abstinence' Or 'Celibacy'....

I'd only been knowing this man for a few months, and up until now our only connection was shared via text messages. Yet I found myself almost 2 hours away from home, shacked up in a hotel room for the weekend with someone who could barely keep an erection. 

"What a waste of a perfectly good penis?" I thought as I stared into the pitch black dark after round 2 ended within 3 minutes. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" 

It was during this moment that I realized that if I wanted a long lasting friendship/relationship I needed to move differently. I had to stop myself from getting into situations as such that led to NOTHING but a added number onto my body count. 

I was jumping off of the emotional rollercoaster that I'd been on since 2014 which led to years of self-inflicted pain. Simply put: "Enough was enough!"

So as you can imagine, the drive back home was one filled with many thoughts and less music! I was certain that I had no more interest in having sex with partners that didn't value me, my body, or my mind. There was so much more to me! But getting to know the REAL me had stopped being a requirement. I'd become intrigued with "testing" out the package before investing in the company. All because I was once #HurtBAE....

Are you guilty of this as well?

Guilty of being so infatuated with instant gratification that you're willing to compromise who you are, what you stand for, and your future happiness; just to say that you got "some", or temporarily filled a lonely place in your bed!

Yup that was me, and this was THE END!

The next few steps were crucial to my future and quite frankly sanity! I had to:

  1. Allow myself to really grieve and heal

  2. DETOX-ify my body

Until this point whenever I thought about celibacy I thought NO SEX until marriage, and while I wanted to preserve myself; I also believe in realistic expectations.

Quite frankly, NO SEX until marriage was not an option for me then.... and I feel the same way 1 year later!

However, after much research I began to learn about the 'practice of abstinence' and felt like this was a better journey for me. I placed NO TIME limit on when I'd have sex again, only that it wouldn't be until I'd been dating, built a foundation/relationship, and felt 100% sure that it was time. 

Now, over a year later I find myself actively dating but unsuccessful partly because unlike other women I'm not willing to "give it up." 

Sometimes it feels like i'm wearing a scarlet letter! 

Abstinence: the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something.
Celibacy: abstention from sexual intercourse; abstention by vow from marriage

Ironically, some of my conversations didn't even lead to a date following the disclosure! So after much thought, I quickly realized that when dating while practicing abstinence or celibacy I had to do the following:

  1. Hold off as long as possible with the disclosure [don't ask, don't tell policy]

  2. Focus on genuinely building a relationship [i.e. allow him to get to know me and vice versa]

  3. When "disclosure time" comes, explain the difference and why you've chosen your path [don't go too deep]

  4. And finally, if he leaves, "Let It Go!" It's not personal, he just wasn't the one willing to invest in you! [Which in that case, should be a relief.]

Even-though it's not easy, it feels good knowing that I understand my worth and I'm done settling for anything less than. 

And truthfully, this new mindset has completely changed my dating experiences so forth.


Kierra M